Before I begin this article, I have never been diagnosed with any mental illness. I have never been seen by health professionals. I just understand what it is like to have a strain on your mentality and how life is affected by various events.
I have never spoken about this in such public manner, but I am willing to show everyone feels emotions for timetotalk…
Looking at photos, you see the smiles and you see the faces that you pull, and you continuously use the words ‘I’m fine’. ‘I’m fine’ must be part of my vocabulary by now, a phrase I whip out when someone asks how I am. Really, I don’t want to say how I am, because I don’t want to explain myself- which seems be what everyone wants now a days.
‘Why are you sad? You have a good life’ ‘You shouldn’t be nervous, you’re great’ ‘You don’t need to lose weight, you’re so skinny’
Although, at the end of the day, you don’t need a reason for your mental health. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down and sometimes you’re in-between.
Though, most times, I’m more down, I’ve just got a rehearsal of how I look okay. I won’t say that he hurt me, I won’t say that comment was a bit too far and I won’t let you get to me. I won’t do that in public, but in private every single bit of what you say to me is continuously thought over.
Why didn’t they smile back? Were they annoyed at me? Did I do something wrong? It’s definitely me, it’s always me.
Believe me, this isn’t a development that happened over night. I’ve never been happy with my appearance, I’ve always had pretty people around me, and not one of them was me. I looked weird, I seemed uncool and I always seemed to face the mutters and comments, which deep down, really hurt.
I didn’t see this until I was around 14, the term cat fishing wasn’t a thing then, but it was a thing I faced.
The naivety of a 14 year old girl led to feelings and then being told that this person didn’t even exist. They weren’t real. This made me question whether anyone could ever love me, surely not. I was a spotty girl with no breasts, braces and a bob which I horribly regret every time I see old photos.
The internet world can be dark, and I have to state that Tumblr can have some dark sides. The feelings I felt were ones I had never felt in my life. They were different, they were painful and I had to find a way to get rid of them.
I’m not proud of who I was and what I did when I was just 14, but that was the only thing I knew. Mental health wasn’t a thing talked about and I thought I was weird if I felt this way. I was thinking things I didn’t think could exist.
Fortunately for me, I found ways to control my emotions and try to forget the thoughts.
However, I still feel these emotions now and then, and certain events flare my mental health and emotions. Sometimes, I can’t think straight, I have to walk to separate my thoughts and I have to get air before my mind clogs up.
Luckily for me, I have loving people around me who understand I’m recovering from my past. Unfortunately, many people do not, and the stigma of mental health still exists.
If someone is sad, don’t tell them to smile and be happy. If someone hurts themselves, don’t ask why and tell them it’s stupid.
Provide them with the help they need and support them through this, you never know when mental illness may hit you.
1 in 4 of us are affected each year, that’s many of us.
~Rachel ❤
LegallyFierceFeminist 