It has taken a lot to try and admit this to myself. I’ve had a really long think about this blog post, but I feel like it’s the only way to deal with this. The past few months have been an absolute ride for me, and most days have been bad. Some days, I’ve felt so high that I don’t want to come down, but most times I have crashed to the floor so hard, and I’ve felt so much pain.
I have to admit that I am absolutely lost, and I don’t know where I go from this. I have no idea, no direction. I feel like I have lost myself, and I have no idea where you start again. How do you build up something that means so much? How do you start from the beginning, and get back what you’ve lost, when you can’t even find it to begin with?
I constantly have this image in my mind of this girl who just can’t find her way back home, because I don’t know what my home is. I feel like I’m lost in this gigantic space, and there are so many routes I can take, but I have no idea which one is going to lead to a great future. Normally, I’m all for jumping and hoping for the best, but not this time. My brain can’t deal with this whole feeling I have, and I am so stuck because I have no idea what is happening.
The last few months have been really kind of f*cked up. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have had some great people around me and had some great times. Though, at the same time I feel like I’m lonely when I’m in a room full of people. Sometimes, I want to socialise, because I know that being left with my own thoughts will make this worse. It’s a difficult thing to even come to grips with, because I didn’t think I’d ever face this kind of thing.
I thought my whole life was planned out. I knew what I was going to do. I am so motivated, and so determined to do things, because I am ready to show those people who said I couldn’t, that I can. So, this way I feel right now is panicking me. I have no bloody clue where I am. I have no idea what I want, who I am and if I can really do this. It’s as if the wall I built around myself has been knocked down, but I want to build it back up. I was comfortable around 9 months ago, now, not so much. I am so lost.
I’ve mentioned my break up maybe once or twice, because I hate to be public about it, but losing that cost me way more than I thought it would. It wasn’t losing that person from my life, it was losing the comfort- the structure. It was familiar. I was settled, I had someone who knew of my darkest secrets, someone who was supposed to be closest to me, and I lost it all in the blink of an eye. I lost 4 years of my life within half an hour, and I refused to acknowledge how much that cost me. I felt like I was fine. As if I wasn’t bothered by it, but my whole mental health seemed to deteriorate, slowly, but it reached a point where I knew it was too much.
I mean, I tell my own advice to my followers of good self awareness and loving yourself, but I can never follow my own advice. You can’t change what you can’t see. The human mind can create a real denial of any kind of problem. You can really pretend that it isn’t a problem to you. I have this real way of blocking things off and shutting out a part of my life, but I shouldn’t have closed that chapter so quickly.
It has been really difficult to come to terms with myself. I struggled through a lot during that 4 year relationship. I went through a lot of different things, and most of them were never by myself. I say this lightly, because I have always dealt with things in my own way.
I think, sometimes, living your life on social media can be bad. I want to be someone good, and I want to be perfect for everyone who follows my blog, but it means I have to be someone who I’m not sometimes. This whole realisation has hit me this weekend when I’ve had two in depth conversations about social media, new relationships and the past with two different types of people. I didn’t think I was so lost until I talked about it or I heard other peoples stories. It seems that I’m constantly hoping this light will come from inside someone else. Like I can find hope in the shape of a person. As if, writing 1 instagram post about how recovery is worth it, and you’ll be okay, can really keep me going for a day let alone until next year.
Blogging can be way harder than you imagine, and when you feel particularly lost, the motivation to write is so small that you just look at a draft for hours. I have spent hours staring at the same f*cking post about 30 dates, and I feel angry with myself because I haven’t been able to complete it. I keep on telling myself that 30 ideas really isn’t that much, why am I struggling so much? I have become so weirdly obsessed with how I look to the outside world, and what my blog says about me, but I never relaunched this blog with that idea.
I have become a shell of something I once was.
It is so hard to write something when you have no clue who you are anymore. How do you write a blog post you can’t even imagine in the first place? Honestly, this post has come so easily once I let myself put these thoughts onto this blog. I can feel my heart pouring out so much pain, so much hurt, so many feelings of betrayal. Betrayal of myself, betrayal from other people, and betrayal of the woman I can most definitely be.
This path I’m on right now is so unforgiving, and so it should be, I guess? I feel lost, and I feel like this is a major moment in my recovery. I either sink or swim at this point in my life. I drown or I float, and I’m hoping it is the latter. This moment is something I have never felt before. I have never known what it is to have such control over your life, and what you want to do next, but also have no control over yourself.
I am powerful, yet powerless at the same time.
Maybe someone else out there feels this way, or has experienced this in their life. I feel lost, I feel lonely and I don’t exactly know what to do now. I can’t help but feel it is a point in my life that will define what kind of woman I become, and what happens next. I have freedom, yet I am caged by my fears and my sense of loneliness.
I can explore and I can try love, but my mind tells me that no one will ever love me.
This is a time that I must complete by myself. I have to come back to myself, and I know this battle will be hard as hell, but I have fought these kind of things before and won every time. I have reached a point where I feel no purpose, and I have no motivation, and I don’t like this point. It is so painful to look in the mirror and see nothing of yourself anymore. It is scary.
I have written this post to try and sort out my thoughts, but provide a piece that goes back to the roots of my blog. I have always written things that matter to me, and right now, this matters so much to me. It is the biggest thing in my life- myself. You are always number 1 in your life. I hope that someone, somewhere, reads this and can relate, and I hope that if you do, you find your way back.
LegallyFierceFeminist 