Everything they don’t tell you about dating. (1)

So you’re finally single.

You binned off that boyfriend who constantly farted in bed and thought it was hilarious. You finally decided that you have had enough. You finally thought that it was time to find someone who you actually liked.

And, being single in this new age of Tinder, Bumble, Hinge… it can be fun and exciting. You realise it’s time to download all these shitty apps and recreate yourself.

You’re going to be a single Queen and you are ready to mingle, and you are ready to start dating again.

You get a few matches and you think this is it, you have REACHED this amazing phase of dating where you think you will meet someone and have one date, and then bam you’re in love.

It sounds like a fairytale… and that’s because it is.

This isn’t Tinderella.

You realise that dating isn’t what everyone tells you it is.

It’s actually fairly opposite.

Dating really is a minefield. Try to not get dragged down by the ones who fuck you around. Spend your life waiting on texts. Fight with a boy at least once a week because he doesn’t UNDERSTAND feminism.

It’s not what they told us it would be.

I didn’t sign up for a man called John who tells me he’s just looking for something casual and something fun. A man who insists on sending me a snapchat of his swinging penis with no warning.

Ain’t nobody tell me about THIS.

And, as a fierce but fair queen, I am here to tell you how dating really is and you can overcome these barriers – or learn that it’s inevitable yet normal.

There’s so many of us out there dating, but we don’t want to be honest about the fact it’s hard to find someone who fills that void.

It’s all part of the fun… or, so they tell us.

You won’t find the one within 5 minutes.

As everyone says, you have to kiss a few frogs before you find the one.

Well, Karen, I am not kissing anyone anyway.

We all hear these stories once in a while where people found their SO on Tinder and married them a month after.

First off, who doesn’t have commitment issues and just does that?

Secondly, Tinder is a vast space of lots of people and sometimes it takes weeks to come across someone who you even want to have a conversation with.

Thirdly, a lot of people are scared to even commit to a date, so good luck finding out if they are the ‘one’.

Dates are far and few.

It’s unusual that I have a date once a week, or have to try and fit a few people in.

Like I said, people want to talk about going on dates but they want to go on dates.

Let’s be honest, you normally are ghosted before a first date can even happen.

Normally, someone better came along and they are interested in them instead.

Or they got bored.

Either way, if they ghost you, do you even want to date someone like that?

*quietly whispers cowards*

It’s really not Sex and the City.

You’re really not Carrie Bradshaw.

Think Bridget Jones, but alas,

no men are fighting over us in a street or a water fountain.

It really is a game.

And if you don’t play it right, you stay single and lonely and sad and probably get really fat because you’re eating so much shit because you wonder what’s wrong with you.

Lots of people like to say they don’t have time for games (me included), but you’re also playing a ginormous game with everyone else when you say that.

We like to think it’s not a game, and that people just want to find someone.

However, we’re all competing against each other.

The person you’re talking to is talking to someone else and then they’re talking to someone else.

The person you like actually doesn’t really want you, but the person who likes you isn’t really your type.

And you just want this person who clearly is a bit of a shit, but you want that shit badly.

That is some good shit.

You have to learn when to stop texting someone.

When to post a snapchat to remind that person you actually exist and you’re fit as.

You have to learn when they’re not worth your time and you have to find someone to put all your effort into.

It’s a learning curve.

No one tells you how to play your own dating game.

Not dating someone can be harder than dating them.

I’ve mentioned this before, and the whole thing still stands.

There are some people who you will meet and you will want to date- but there may be reasons you never date.

Maybe you’ll be really busy and then they’ll be really busy, and then you just start to fade a little from each other.

Maybe you both stop talking one day, and then you don’t know how to bring up the idea of a date anymore.

It can be really hard when this happens, because you are left with so many what ifs.

Sometimes, the most heart breaking thing can be that person you never dated.

You can only watch them from afar, and you engage in conversation once in a while, but somehow, it will never feel settled.

You’ll never get closure.

Sex on any date is fine.

Don’t have sex on the first date, then he’ll think you’re easy.

Maybe, Karen, I am a ginormous slag.

Maybe, I shaved my noo noo before the first date for this exact reason.

Maybe, we actually like sex.

I mean, did that ever cross your mind?

Sex is one of those things that people still cherish like it’ll be fireworks and all kinds of perfect.

However, sometimes, humans just have needs.

If you want that, then you go get that.

It’s perfectly fine to have sex whenever you want with a consenting individual.

It’s your body- do you want with it.

And don’t think it makes you look ‘easy’- that’s a load of bunkum.

And, yes, I do hope that when I have that first time with person I love it will feel right and perfect and it will be the best thing ever.

However, until then, it may just be a little awkward.

Sex has awkward moments.

Maybe it’s been a while for the both of you, and you get to that moment, and you’re both panicking.

You think he knows what he’s doing but he thinks you know what you’re doing, and you both feel like teenagers again.

It may be disappointing (it probably will be) and it may be done in 10 seconds and you may run off out the door making some excuse about how you have to get home because it’s late and there will be traffic at midnight.

It may be a tragic display of humans just awkwardly fumbling with clothes and then pretending it never happened in the future.

I guess they always say try before you buy.

Beware, you may regret trying once in a while.

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