I haven’t blogged for a while.
Scratch that.
I haven’t written anything for a while.
I used to find the idea of writing what I felt down, to be sort of therapeutic. It was the way I worked out what was happening. I used it to untwist what was happening in my head.
However, writing lost its use to me when I found the past couple of months difficult.
2017 was supposed to be this year where I decided to start from scratch. Nothing else mattered, nothing else was supposed to matter.
Though, life really likes to mess with us every now and then (I’d insert that upside down smile right now- but I’m a professional writer guize)
I didn’t realise what I was holding until I took 5 minutes to stand back and saw what my life was like. I was so deep down in everything before I realised I was already drowning.
2017 was supposed to be this time when I made some great decisions, had some amazing times, but it hasn’t been… yet. And, I’m not punishing myself for that.
To me, 2017 has been a difficult year before I didn’t expect it to work out this way. I thought everything was fine. I thought everything was fixed.
I wasn’t prepared to have to take days, weeks, months to try and be happy again.
Purely, I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t ready to have this weight on my shoulders. I wasn’t ready to deal with people who couldn’t see this. I just, I was not ready, and I couldn’t be.
And yes, 2017 has been a bit of a crap year so far, but I’m still going.
Every day is a new beginning for me, and sometimes the days are better than the one before. Sometimes, they’re not so good.
Writing used to be something for me to tell secrets to. I used to drop hints of sadness, waves of horror and sow seeds of disappointment.
2017 is far from over, and I hope (really hope) that it gets better.
I do have 9 months left.
True, 2017 hasn’t been the best time, but I’m determined that everything shall pass.
I’m getting better, I’m going to start writing again and I’m not going to look back.
After all, we all have demons in our past, some of them just lurk there longer.
Rachel x
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